redbloodedamerica:

New Democrat Campaign Ad 

Hi, I’m a spokesperson for the Democratic Party.  And I’m here to tell you why you need
to vote blue this November. 

Democrats are the party of love and tolerance.  We
promote inclusion and acceptance, peace and goodwill.  Republicans don’t care
about any of these things.  They just want to talk about record unemployment, the
economy, and keeping communities safe.  Fascists. 

Democrats have positive, practical
priorities like abolishing the electoral college, eliminating due process, and
banning hate speech.  These are the values of the American people.  Well, at least
Americans that live in San Francisco and in New York.  

Republicans often use
fear-mongering rhetoric like “Constitution” or “Liberty.”  Democrats condemn such
language as divisive, and instead focus on more unifying topics like repealing
the Second Amendment or kneeling for the national anthem.  

Democrats are the
party of equality.  So much so, that we insist upon unconditionally believing
women and disbelieving men, because…well, feminism.  If you ask us to explain this logically we will scream in your face and call you misogynist. 

Republicans
want to take away a woman’s sacred right to choose to have her child decapitated inside the womb and torn apart limb by limb with forceps.  Democrats celebrate
the right to violently murder your child, because we’re compassionate. 

Democrats believe
that women are powerful and independent.  They are also helpless victims of the
patriarchy who require government intervention to succeed.  Any woman who
disagrees with us on this is a self-hating, stupid bimbo.  

And you know, it’s time
someone was finally brave enough to say this: Republicans are racist.  Democrats
have the same positive message for minorities that we have for women: you’re a
victim and you’re useful to us.  If you disagree, we’ll insult your intelligence.  But it’s for your own good. 

Republicans want to stop certain people from coming
into this country.  They cite the infiltration of gang violence, or opioids, or sex
trafficking as reasons to stop “illegal immigration.”  But Democrats accept these
as the natural consequences of opening up the borders, which of course is the
more loving thing to do. 

Democrats recognized that the key to a better tomorrow is to
look forward not backward.  That’s why we reject capitalism and all of its greed, and
instead up for socialism which has worked so well every time it’s been tried. 

Democrats are the party of the common people, the poor, and the marginalized, the
weak and defenseless.  While Republicans promise freedom, we promise free stuff.  That’s how we win over young people.  Our goal is to make the government work for
you so you don’t have to work at all. 

The Republicans are always pushing
religion in our faces.  We reject their bigotry.  Religious people are idiots.  Democrats
would much rather you sacrifice yourself on the altar of progressivism. 

The
truth is as the party of empathy we’re just better than everyone else.  That’s
why we spend so much time telling people who don’t align with our agenda that
they’re not just wrong, but that they’re bad people.  We still haven’t figured out
that this condescension is what lost us the 2016 election.  Nevertheless, we’re
confident that through censorship, emotional manipulation, and continued bullying
that we’ll eventually get our way.  Why?  Because we care about you.  So much so that
we’re willing to wear you down until you fear getting silenced, doxed, or fired
because you don’t agree with our agenda.  That’s love. 

I’m the spokesperson for
the Democratic Party.  Vote for us in November.