redbloodedamerica:

“Literally Hitler”

People keep comparing everything to Hitler now.  Everyone’s like, “That’s literally Hitler.”  I’ve been called Hitler a lot.  

I used to live in Los Angeles – where they’re doing lines of gluten-free cocaine.  They’re like, “Is this gluten free? [Snort] Don’t use the straw!  Straws are bad!”  Their minds are gone.  They’re like, “Donald Trump is literally Hitler, so now it’s time to give all your guns to Hitler.”

One time I was having lunch with my friend and this girl was like, “Would you kill Hitler as a baby if you could?  I mean, do you think you could do that for the world if you were like a time traveler?  If you saw Hitler in a crib, could you kill Hitler?” 

I’m like, “Why do you ask?”  

She says, “I don’t know if I could do it.  I know I should, but I don’t know if I could do it.”

I’m like, “You could do it.”

She’s like, “What?  No, I’m a kind person.  I’m a member of PETA.”

So I reply, “Well, you’ve had two abortions that weren’t Hitler.  So…the odds that they were Hitler were zero and you pulled the plug because you didn’t wan to cancel your Netflix account.”